How To Train An Owner

Shambhala Cresteds

How To Raise & Train An Owner Author Unknown

This is a list of DO'S and DON'TS for the inexperienced dogs and growing pups who have a house to run,........ For those who are experienced in owner-training, and you know who you are, will get a chuckle out of this list.............

1. Throwing Up:

When you feel it coming, quickly get into an expensive sofa or chair. If you can't manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug (for those of you without an Oriental, any EXPENSIVE carpet is a good substitute.)

2. Sleeping:

A. Get plenty of sleep in the daytime so that you are fresh for playing between 2 and 4 in the morning.

B. Never, under any circumstances, submit to sleeping in "your bed."

C. Laps are the best possible spot for napping. Most humans, if conditioned properly, will quickly realize that it is unkind to get up or disturb you in any way.

3. Doors:

A. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and scratch. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. ( You can change your mind several times.)

B. When you have ordered an outside door opening, stand half-in and half-out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather and mosquito season.

C. The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

4. Barking: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark---a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...

5. Holes: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

6. Housebreaking: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible. COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

7. Chewing: Make a contribution to the fashion industry and eat a shoe, making sure to only get 1 of each pair. If a shoe is unavailable, any EXPENSIVE - ANTIQUE furniture and/or carpets will do perfectly.

8. Sniffing & Licking:

A. Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

B. Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

9. Dining:

A. Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal or beg from the table.

B. Do not settle for a "well-balanced diet" of dog food. If you are steadfast in your refusal, they will soon begin to coax you with chopped chicken, steak etc.

C. Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

10. Guests:

A. Determine quickly which guest hates dogs. Sit on that lap during the entire evening. If you can arrange to have "puppy-food" breath, so much the better.

B. For sitting in laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own. For example, Samoyed puppies should choose black wool pants.

C. Always accompany guests to the bathroom; it is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

D. For the guest who says, "Aren't puppies absolutely adorable," be ready with: aloof disdain, indicating that you are bored and ready to take a nap, or a quick, sharp nip on the ankle.

E. Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

11. Playing:

A. If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

B. When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them. It spoils all the fun.

12. Hampering: The following tips are best suited for kittens. However, the imaginative puppy will have no trouble adapting them to suit his own purposes.

A. For book readers, get in close under the chin - unless, of course, you can lie across the book itself.

B. For people addressing envelopes, writing Christmas cards or doing Income Taxes, keep in mind the aim to hamper; first, sit on the papers being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When fresh ink is applied to paper, march quickly to it and sit. After being removed for the second time, push roll of stamps off the table. Follow with pens, one at a time. (Please note! Dogs/Pups should NOT be on tables at ANY time!!)

C. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. This way you cannot be seen and therefore stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and fussed over.

D. If one of your people is sewing, balancing the checkbook or typing and your other one is merely sitting, position yourself next to the busy one and follow the rules outlined above.

Start this training early, and in a short time you will be the master or mistress of a smooth-running household with getting treats, hugs & kisses on demand,.....

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."

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